my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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