you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
