if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
