Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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