There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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