It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
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Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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