I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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