I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
