Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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