Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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