I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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