I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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