my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
