so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
