I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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