god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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