i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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