I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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