went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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