you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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