I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
