if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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