it hurts more in the daytime
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
