Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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