The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
