a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
