mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
