Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
