Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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