I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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