Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
