Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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