Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
