i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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