Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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