Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
one might say we're banned from that church
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
