rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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