I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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