I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bring me that man meat
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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