I faked an abortion last night.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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