You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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