He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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