Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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