i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
