Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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