I got chris browned last night
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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