I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
