12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
