Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
