dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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