You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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