Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
