Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
