two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
