True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
